The Skill Deficit Assumption
One piece of advice that I often cling to is that we need to view our kids' misbehavior as evidence of a skill deficit rather than a choice to behave badly. This totally makes sense to me and when I think about it like this it immediately takes me out of anger and brings me into curiosity and brainstorming about what the coaching session with my son will look like.
Parallel to this I have been working on trying not to
yell/direct/correct, which is my instinctive response and default
parenting style. I get really down on myself when I slip up. I try to
practice self-compassion (Kristin Neff's work is helpful for this) around that so I don't get dragged down into
the I'm-not-good-enough blues, but it is still after-the-fact and I want
to change the fact. I know many others share this sort of cycle of
impulse, regret, and then have to dig deep to try again. It can feel
like failure and a feeling that it will never improve.
But, only yesterday did it hit me that the skill deficit assumption applies to MY OWN BEHAVIOR as well! If I assume that the reason I keep repeating behavior that I do not want to engage in is a result of a skill deficit, then rather than beat myself up about it, I should get curious about what skill I am lacking and work on teaching THAT to myself. [MIND BLOWN.]
Now, to some extent I have been actively working on a lot about myself (I cannot recommend Brene Brown's work strongly enough here). And, that is truly the work that helps me get centered when I have good days. But, I see that just knowing what the skill is isn't sufficient. It takes a LOT of consistent and mindful practice to change a habit. It takes a true commitment to continued self-education.
So, it follows that, if I have already taught my child a skill, that doesn't necessarily mean my child's behavior will immediately change. It means I also have to be committed to helping my kids practice any NEW skill repeatedly until their new habits are formed. The result is that my expectations will change, which means the definition of success will change, and thus my attitude will change.
Again, I feel like I've connected really important dots (for me). Does this resonate with anyone else?
But, only yesterday did it hit me that the skill deficit assumption applies to MY OWN BEHAVIOR as well! If I assume that the reason I keep repeating behavior that I do not want to engage in is a result of a skill deficit, then rather than beat myself up about it, I should get curious about what skill I am lacking and work on teaching THAT to myself. [MIND BLOWN.]
Now, to some extent I have been actively working on a lot about myself (I cannot recommend Brene Brown's work strongly enough here). And, that is truly the work that helps me get centered when I have good days. But, I see that just knowing what the skill is isn't sufficient. It takes a LOT of consistent and mindful practice to change a habit. It takes a true commitment to continued self-education.
So, it follows that, if I have already taught my child a skill, that doesn't necessarily mean my child's behavior will immediately change. It means I also have to be committed to helping my kids practice any NEW skill repeatedly until their new habits are formed. The result is that my expectations will change, which means the definition of success will change, and thus my attitude will change.
Again, I feel like I've connected really important dots (for me). Does this resonate with anyone else?
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