Getting to Clarity
I recently realized that really the goal as a parent is to increase the moments of clarity and decrease the moments of cloudiness. When I have clarity, I know just what to do and I FEEL like a good parent, no matter what others may say or suggest. Conversely, when I do not have clarity, I have tons of fear and just want THE "right" answer, so I tend to survey people. But, if the survey results are irrelevant and even somewhat distracting when I do have clarity, then why is that my go-to when I am seeking it? It doesn't make sense logically and it seems like that route is potentially distracting or even dangerous.
Instead, I need to stop, acknowledge that I am lacking clarity, get curious about what is triggering me about the situation, and do what I can to get calm. Then in order to move away from frantic urgency and toward calm and patience, I write something out AS IF I am going to ask for help from a group of parents, but rather than actually send or post it, I just save it. Sometimes, just writing it out makes it clear what needs to be done. If not, though, I put it away for an hour (or a day) and revisit it with a clear mind and treat it as if someone else posted it asking for help. Then, I craft my response as if I were just a commentator. Typically, I rely on a 3-prong approach to helping others shift their perspective around parenting struggles.
1. Assume Skill Deficit. If you assume that the child is misbehaving due to a skill deficit rather than a choice to misbehave, what changes for you? What skill emerges as important to teach, revisit, or model?
2. Empathy. Help your child reflect on the situation when you are both calm and ask questions from a place of curiosity rather than judgment.
Help him identify and articulate the feelings that drove the behavior. Include an example in your own life of when you had that FEELING.
Validate the feeling as normal, then strategize together to come up with a less hurtful and more productive coping mechanism to both express and manage that feeling.
3. Modeling. What is the behavior you want to see in your child? What are you doing to model that behavior (or, more likely, the opposite)? What can you do to consciously model the behavior you seek?
Use the acronym A.C.T.I.V.I.S.M. to help you remember!
Assume skill deficiency
Curiosity
Teach
Identify emotion
Validate emotion
Include examples
Strategize
Model
It's hard to imagine going through all of these steps an not coming away with at least something resembling clarity. It's worth a try! Let me know what tweaks you make, and whether it helps you or a friend.
Instead, I need to stop, acknowledge that I am lacking clarity, get curious about what is triggering me about the situation, and do what I can to get calm. Then in order to move away from frantic urgency and toward calm and patience, I write something out AS IF I am going to ask for help from a group of parents, but rather than actually send or post it, I just save it. Sometimes, just writing it out makes it clear what needs to be done. If not, though, I put it away for an hour (or a day) and revisit it with a clear mind and treat it as if someone else posted it asking for help. Then, I craft my response as if I were just a commentator. Typically, I rely on a 3-prong approach to helping others shift their perspective around parenting struggles.
1. Assume Skill Deficit. If you assume that the child is misbehaving due to a skill deficit rather than a choice to misbehave, what changes for you? What skill emerges as important to teach, revisit, or model?
2. Empathy. Help your child reflect on the situation when you are both calm and ask questions from a place of curiosity rather than judgment.
Help him identify and articulate the feelings that drove the behavior. Include an example in your own life of when you had that FEELING.
Validate the feeling as normal, then strategize together to come up with a less hurtful and more productive coping mechanism to both express and manage that feeling.
3. Modeling. What is the behavior you want to see in your child? What are you doing to model that behavior (or, more likely, the opposite)? What can you do to consciously model the behavior you seek?
Use the acronym A.C.T.I.V.I.S.M. to help you remember!
Assume skill deficiency
Curiosity
Teach
Identify emotion
Validate emotion
Include examples
Strategize
Model
It's hard to imagine going through all of these steps an not coming away with at least something resembling clarity. It's worth a try! Let me know what tweaks you make, and whether it helps you or a friend.
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